Have you ever been sat chatting with a friend and the topic of your relationships comes up. You shortly realise that you are polar opposites when it comes to how you handle romance. They openly share their feelings and don’t often get jealous – both things which you just can’t do. And all of a sudden you feel like you’re a problem. Why do you seem to have so much trouble in relationships, whilst your friend has been in a stable relationship for years? Well, one possible explanation is that they were securely attached as an infant and you were not.

Attachment theory is the principle to understanding the behaviours and attitudes you demonstrate in your adult relationships – and not necessarily just the romantic ones. In this article we will explore what behaviours are common in different attachment types and hopefully the awareness and understanding can lead to working on any of your repeating negative behaviours when it comes to the way you connect to people.

Research Into Attachment Theory

According to Mary D. Salter Ainsworth, and Silvia M. Bell, ‘an attachment may be defined as an affectional tie that one person or animal forms between himself and another specific one – a tie that binds them together in space and endures over time’. In attachment theory, theorists such as Bowlby believed this ‘binding tie’/emotional connection formed between the child and the ‘primary care-giver at an early age, influences their subsequent interactions and relationships’.

Mary Ainsworth’s ‘Strange Situation’ Study

Mary Ainsworth’s ‘Strange Situation’ study saw three types of attachment responses in infancy – Secure, Avoidant and Anxious/Ambivalent – by studying how infants coped with the stress of being left alone by their mother in a ‘strange situation’.

‘Disoriented/Disorganised’ became the fourth attachment response as proposed by Main and Solomon (1990).

Securely attached infants were confident that their attachment figure would be able to meet their needs, using them as a safe base for exploration and sought them out in times of distress at which the care-giver was sensitive and responsive.
Insecure Avoidant attached infants did not seek or show any awareness of their attachment figure while exploring the environment nor when they were distressed, rather showing signs of independence (emotionally and physically).
Insecure Ambivalent attached infants ambivalence towards the attachment figure, often clingy and dependent, whilst other times being rejecting and resistant of the care-giver. They were the hardest to soothe when in distress compared to the other categories.

Mary Main et al & The Adult Attachment Style Interview

Similarly, Main, Kaplan and Cassidy (1985) developed the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), which ‘examines whether adults have developed a psychologically mature account of earlier attachment experiences and their ongoing impact on personality’. As a result, three major patterns were observed: secure, dismissive-avoidant and preoccupied. These categories are reflective of whether ‘the interviewee is able to construct a coherent (secure) narrative about his or her early experiences without idealising caregivers and/or normalising negative experiences (dismissing) or becoming emotionally overwhelmed while talking about childhood relationship experiences generally (preoccupied) or loss/abuse in particular.

Securely attached adults were more likely to have a positive image of themselves and others, suggesting that they not only had a perception of worthiness but also an assumption that others were also accepting and responsive. They also showed a value for relationships and were able to objectively gauge those around them.
Dismissive-avoidant attached adults were more likely to have a positive image of themselves, however a negative image of others, rather avoiding close/intimate relationships in attempt to keep their independence and invulnerability. They also were found to minimise the importance of attachments and refuse to admit experiencing distress in association with relationships.
Preoccupied attached adults were more likely to have a negative image of themselves and positive image of others, suggesting that they did not have a perception of self-worthiness, but viewed others in a positive light. This group seeks approval and validation from their platonic/romantic relationships in the hopes to achieve self-acceptance. They also tend to need a lot of physical contact and intimacy, and are preoccupied with a reliance on their care-givers, struggling to please them.

This section explores only two of thousands of studies and research into attachment theory, which have aided our understanding of relationships tremendously and in turn proposed four overall types of attachment.

The Four Types of Attachment & Their Characteristics:

1. Secure Attachment

Able to form stable, loving relationships
Ability to trust others
No issues with closeness and intimacy
Never become completely dependent on another person
56% of adults have this attachment style (Hazen & Shaver, 1987)

2. Dismissive Avoidant

Fear of intimacy
Trouble with closeness & trusting in relationships
Feeling of suffocation in relationships
Independent
25% of adults have this attachment style (Hazen & Shaver, 1987)

Note: If you are someone who is emotionally unavailable and ghosts at the first sight of intimacy, you probably have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

3. Anxious Preoccupied

Intense fear of abandonment
Insecure about relationships
Always craving validation
Constant fear their partners will leave them
Clingy, needy behaviours
19% of adults have this attachment style (Hazen & Shaver, 1987)

Note: If you get extremely anxious when a partner doesn’t text back immediately, then you most likely have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

4. Fearful Avoidant

Combination of anxious and avoidant types
A deep desire for attention and affection AND a need to avoid it at all costs
Need to feel loved but reluctant
Heightened sexual behaviour
Associated with a higher risk of violence in relationships

Hopefully this article has helped you identify your attachment style. The quicker you begin becoming aware of the behaviours you exhibit, the quicker you are able to make positive changes which only benefit your experience on this earth. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you think it necessary!!

Attachment style quiz:

https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/

How to change your attachment style:

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-develop-a-secure-attachment-style

Subscribe to The Renaissaint’s Youtube channel here for similar content: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1AWq1FOK8cZ9adUfePE3Gw

Check the video out: